Lost
by red roses are pink
Summary: She doesn't know any more why she thought this was a good plan, the only solution for her misery. (Set after 8x04, Debster-centric)


**After I saw 'Scare Tissue' and next weeks promo I just had to write something or I would have gone mad. Unfortunaley english isn't my first language, so it's probably full of mistakes, but I hope some of you still like it. **

She doesn't know how she managed to get him out of the car and swim with him to the shore, she just knows how she lays upon his still body and prays to a god she doesn't believe in for him to be alright. He isn't breathing and for a few seconds she doesn't know what to do, her hands are trembling and her head's spinning, but then she makes up her mind, presses her mouth on his and tries to force some air in his lungs. It's impossible to count the times she dreamed about this; her lips on his, his hard body under hers, he in her arms and now the moment came and it feels like it's the punishment for all she did wrong, for all of her inappropriate thoughts.

She doesn't know any more why she thought this was a good plan, the only solution for her misery. Ever since she realized that her father was just like her, that he couldn't stand what Dexter was and what he done to help him, and that he found a way out of all this, it was clear to her, what she got to do. It was like being in this container again, just that this time there was a right answer.

The whole drive to the station she was perfectly calm, even when she met Quinn and talked to him and said something to him that felt too much like a goodbye and she saw Dexter and he was smiling at her like he meant all those hollow words about how much he needed and missed her, she didn't have the slightest doubt and now it's like someone else had the control over her. Something Dexter said comes to her mind: _"I call him my dark passenger." _Not for the first time she asks herself how much alike they really are.

The last think she knows is how angry she were; with Harry, with Dexter, with herself. And then she woke up, lying on the ground while he was still in this freaking car and the only thing she could think was that she can't live without him, that she can't exist in a world without him being by her side.

Suddenly his body jerks and he starts coughing water all over her and she moves some inches away just to look in his beautiful, _living_ face. "I'm sorry", she whispers when he opens his eyes, "I'm so fucking sorry." And she means it. She feels how tears start to run down her face and she grabs his shirt just to have something to hold on to.

"_We will always be together, right?" _

"I don't- don't know what I… please…" He's still coughing but seems to hear her. She feels how she starts panicking by the thought that she nearly lost him and that scares her even more. How can you love someone so much, crave him so much, that just the thought of losing him for good almost tears you apart?

After a few moments the coughing stops and Dexter lies back on the ground, breathing heavily. There is an expression of shock in his eyes she only saw once when he sat in the front yard, covered in blood with crying Harrison in his arms. "What did you do?" His voice is hoarse, but still she can hear the disbelieve in it.

"I don't know why I thought it was… after I saw dad… it seemed right, it felt like there would be peace for us, finally…"

"You wanted to kill me!" Suddenly there's so much hatred in his eyes that she jumps and backs off some more inches.

"Not just you- I- you have to understand." She cries even more and hopelessness settles in again. Why didn't she just go back in this car, after she saved him? She knows that this was the only chance she's ever got; she will never be brave enough to end her life again, even though the only reason to be alive is the same reason to die: Dexter. Dexter and his fucking hobby, the endless bodies he drowned in the ocean, his stupid 'dark passenger' and his way of always being there for her, of always being on her side, which made her fall in love with him.

And now he isn't on her side anymore, now he just hates her as much as she tried to hate him the last six month.

He wants to reply, but before he can say anything, the guy who saved her comes back, cell phone in his hand and says that the ambulance will be there in a few minutes. None of them answers him; Dexter just lies there with that hatred in his eyes while she sits next to him, still clutching his shirt and crying harder than ever before.

"_She doesn't understand us, Dexter." _

No, Vogel doesn't understand them, but now she does neither and she feels more fucking lost like ever before.


End file.
